I'm destroying myself, but I'm still alive.

Good afternoon everyone. My name is Alexander, and I work as an office clerk — a lawyer, to be precise. Is composing forum threads at two in the morning listed among my professional duties? I highly doubt it. Yet, I've recently found myself engaging in strange behaviours; consider this one of them.

Three years ago, I behaved like an idiot and lost a woman who loved me wholeheartedly. I relocated to distance myself from the past — to a large city. True enough, my friends promptly forgot I existed. And I no longer feel I belong.

Since then, my appearance has changed dramatically, and for the worse. Moreover, society at large seems to be slowly chewing me up, spitting me out, and then discarding me. It's as though my wings were clipped, but no one told me a second chance was off the table. Perhaps I deserved it. I don't know.

At the very least, I'm being honest with you, even if this is likely to go unseen and unread. Regardless of the day, the only constant I have left is my PC. I wouldn't call myself a highly advanced Path of Exile player, but over the last six months, I've logged like 500 hours. I've progressed from a beginner to running T16 maps. I appreciate the freedom to experiment and start anew an infinite number of times. Furthermore, the game is aesthetically quite pleasing. Yes, I enjoy the landscapes, the nature, and the architecture in PoE.

Sometimes, the weight of it all crashes down on me so severely that I'm on the verge of tears from the sheer emotional ache, despite being a grown man. I understand the fault lies with me. In those moments, when my own mind is methodically destroying me, I come here for a distraction. To craft some new builds, immerse myself in the game's atmosphere, scrutinise the details, and discover something new.

I still have no idea what I'm doing. It's 2 a.m., and I have work tomorrow. Damn it. I suppose I'll conclude this by thanking GGG for an excellent game that, if only a little, halts the process of self-annihilation. It allows me to ride the morning train to the office and indulge in a simple daydream: that after another monotonous day — one of thousands — I'll return home and lose myself in a truly compelling video game. Thank you.

P.S: I'll probably put out a couple more posts about my wretched life, mixed in with gratitude for the game. It's probably paranoia. But I find it interesting. Yeah. Yeah...